Have a Break, Not a Breakdown: Relaxation as an Autistic person / AuDHDer and How to Rest Neurodivergently
Key Points Summary:
Autistic people and AuDHDers can encounter huge problems with managing to rest.
These problems stem from both intrinsic neurodivergent traits that make it hard to rest in socially recognised ways, as well as from challenges wrought by years of masking.
Letting go of neurotypical definitions of rest and recognising autistic/ADHD/AuDHD needs can allow us to achieve relaxation.
Managing this is a process that requires patience, self-compassion, and rewriting of internalised neurotypical expectations.
Introduction
It took me until age 23 to be able to lie on a deck chair and do nothing. I did it as part of my ‘Relax Like a Normal Person’ Project, back when I thought masking was cool, and I managed four minutes before I decided I’d passed the test for the day and was now allowed to splash about in the nearby swimming pool. I had spent those four minutes with my brain zizzing loudly like an electric fence, and I gave up on the entire project soon after.
It would be several years before a major autistic burnout forced me to resume my efforts, and at least another year before I had anything that could possibly be classed as an epiphany. As an autistic person, I’m far from alone in finding challenges with resting, which led me to look into it further.
Why are autistic people and AuDHDers ‘bad’ at resting?
There are many obstacles to resting for neurodivergent people, and from my experience of mentoring autistic people and AuDHD-ers, there's often a combination at play. Below are some of the common challenges (click on the + sign to learn more):
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You don’t get a GCSE in Rest. Very few bosses pick you up on not taking your breaks, and you’re never praised in your performance review for your top-notch relaxation. It’s just assumed that you can do it, and it requires a paradigm shift to realise that you might be bad at resting.
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When my Very Scary Doctor told me that I wasn’t getting enough rest, I figured that was a good thing. Those of us raised to mask our neurodivergence can often assume that discomfort and overworking are morally and/or socially right. Positive reinforcement has rarely come when we were at ease. You may need to walk headlong into triggers in order to manage self-care activities at first, which in itself can prevent rest.
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For some minds, trying to rest by doing nothing is like trying to clear your head by standing on top of a skyscraper during a lightning storm, holding your phone in the air. Your Anxious Thoughts in Residence will of course come to fry you. And if, for whatever reason, your Anxious Thoughts in Residence are otherwise engaged, you can be certain that you will only remember at most two lines of whatever irritating song happens to be playing on a loud loop in your head.
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Sometimes you need physical rest, sometimes you need cognitive rest, sometimes you need emotional rest, and sometimes you need rest from under-stimulation. If you haven’t been taught or had modelled an understanding of your different needs, you’re unlikely to recognise when any one of them is unfulfilled. You therefore may not recognise your specific needs in terms of rest. (To start exploring this more, you might watch this TedX talk on seven types of rest.)
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I don’t mean ‘boring’ in the neurotypical sense here. I mean that feeling of your brain becoming a hundred times its usual weight and being dragged over gravelly concrete. I mean what Douglas Adams described as the ‘long, dark teatime of the soul’. Actually achieving the nothingness of neurotypical rest can be almost physically painful.
So what can we do?
The Answer: Neurodivergent Rest is Not Neurotypical Rest
It took me a long time to realise that my concept of rest needed to be torn down and started again from scratch. The rest we are taught to recognise (aka doing little and staying still), all too often leaves our brains screaming for dopamine or for the right kind of sensory stimulation or for its special interests - or because at least screams can fill the Nothingness.
Our neurodivergent brains are different, and they rest differently. For some of us, that means that we need to feed our brains some level of stimulation at any given time to allow the requisite calm for rest. For others, that might mean that we have to shut out certain kinds of stimulation, or maximise others. For many of us, it will vary according to our needs at the time.
Here is a selection of ways that could work for you as a neurodivergent person to find rest:
Pottering
Doing bits and bobs of housework, gardening, or organising can be an excellent way of letting your mind quieten down – perhaps reach the serenity of movement in stillness and stillness in movement (Mirra, 2020) while outwardly doing the dusting. For those of us who feel guilty about looking or being unproductive, this can also help to quell that anxiety.
Nature
For me, time in nature is a necessary form of rest, being perhaps the most thorough social rest I can experience – you don’t have to care about what people think or say or have thought or have said when you’re trying to work out what the tiny bouncing alien babies are doing in your pond.
Sensory comfort
For me, this might be a bath with candles and incense – maxing out my sense of smell, keeping visuals low, and giving my brain just the right amount to chew on by playing the same Relaxing Cello Music YouTube video each time.
Weighted blankets, swing seats, hammocks, fluffy clothing, and electric blankets are other big wins for me. My post-diagnostic unmasking journey also introduced me to the delights of letting myself rock back and forth, patting myself, and vocalising, all of which can be hugely calming (and allow you be creative — learn more about stimming and creativity).
Watching Safe Shows
It’s common for neurodivergent people to watch the same TV programmes again and again. This could be the same with music, films, or audiobooks. Engaging in media you’ve seen again and again can allow just the right amount of stimulation, and also give a sense of safety and familiarity.
Crafts and creativity
By the time we’ve reached adulthood, we can feel as though we’re no longer allowed to do creative hobbies we’re bad at. This is a Lie. You are Allowed and Encouraged. I’m personally a big fan of paints, PVA glue, and shredding whatever magazine has been posted for free through your letterbox in order to put together a messy collage (but as an adult, you’re allowed to call it ‘multimedia visual art’). You can also buy second-hand instruments off eBay and teach yourself how to play them (it’s awesome). And you can write rubbish poetry on the Notes section of your phone whenever you feel like it.
Special interests
We can forget that time with our special interests is necessary and important, as opposed to an indulgence. Special interests are crucial and restorative, meeting an autistic/AuDHD need for monotropic comfort and stimulation that is often curbed in social spheres. Though tempting to brush our interests aside in favour of work, family, or other demands, this neglects a cognitive need for both rest and restoration, which, when met, can open up headspace and capacity for other types of exertion.
Resting Neurodivergently: Have a Break, Not a Breakdown
If neurotypical expectations mean that you too can struggle to rest, here are some final words of encouragement from a fellow autistic human being:
Never to force yourself into what you think resting should look like. Your brain is not resting when it’s screaming.
Be patient and try to make resting as easy as possible for yourself. Resting might not come intuitively to you if you didn’t learn neurodivergent rest from a young age, so it’s not necessarily going to be a simple skill to acquire.
Keep the things you need for rest available and/or visible – everything I need for a collage lives in the draw under my bed, so I can do one without leaving my weighted blanket. Have playlists of easy-listening songs, and safe videos on a Favourites tab.
Don’t feel bad about what you need to rest, whether it’s watching the same things over and over or rocking and humming on the floor of your bedroom wearing your softest pyjamas. It’s all good.
Finally, remember that resting is a skill that you may not have learned and that may even have some negative associations with it. Be patient, be compassionate, and give yourself a break.
About the Author (Guest Contributor):
Katya Johnes is an associate mentor and coach at Expand the Circle. She works with students and late-diagnosed/identified autistic & AuDHD people to help them get a clearer sense of who they are and what they need to live and work authentically autistically. Follow Autistically Mentoring on Facebook to find out about further useful strategies.
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